Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Tomorrow

the end of today

the end of the year

the end of loves
the end of loves lost

the end of grieving for people, passion, and poetry

the end of burying my head in the sand

the end of pretending

the beginning of something fresh, like vegetables and water

the beginning of developing relationship capabilities

the beginning of doing what I feel
the beginning of really feeling what I’m doing

the beginning of a new, more improved me consisting of:

reflection

caution
-less?

Development

Symmetry

Warmth

Thought

The ability to dive head first, no whammies, and being ready for the consequences

to not succumb to macbeths soliloquy, to control my bouts of apathy and to fully personify the notion that i am living.

i am REALLY living.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

What’s been entertaining me…down time chronicles:

Books: I finished “Taking Woodstock”. It was a short read, though it took me a while to get through like most books since I simply do not have the time. Having already seen the movie, I was hoping to relive some of those moments in written form and get the full details. Unfortunately, the book is highly centralized on the sexuality of the main character, something that is only hinted at in the movie itself. So, while I was disappointed that my favorite parts in the movie didn’t happen exactly as I thought they had, or some at all for that matter, it was an enjoyable read just because it was different. I want to re-watch the movie now that I have all this background.

Movies: I had been told by a friend that I would thoroughly enjoy “Let the Right One In”, a Swedish film about a 12 yr. old vampire and her human boyfriend. The first time I watched it, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how to turn off the hokey English dubbing! It made the movie, while visually interesting, very slapstick and hard to watch. The next morning, I realized what my mistake had been all along; I thought the movie was in German so I didn’t choose the Swedish option on the language setting. THERE! It worked! I’ve watched it several times since then and it only gets better. Very intense, very freaky, very heartfelt. While it’s nothing like my other vampire movies, it’s very interesting by itself. Highly recommended.

T.V.: As you know, I don’t have this. However, my boss just purchased me True Blood for Christmas. She insisted that I watch it because she knows I like Alan Ball (ie; 6 Feet Under). I started watching it last night and couldn’t stop. While the main character Sookie annoys me to no end, Bill is a treat in himself! I like watching it and pretending that one day a man such as he will come “call on me” as well. He’s such a gentleman and a breath of fresh air. The only thing I don’t like about this series is probably Tara and her mother’s relationship because I know it only too well and it brings up bad memories for me, but at the same time I want to tell them, well done! They got the mothers disease down pat! And while it is extremely racey….I could barely take some scenes…the show over all had me wanting more at the end of each episode. The cliff hangers just keep getting better! I ended up having to stop an episode half way through just so I could get some sleep!

Dream State- Revisited

This is an old written piece that I came across. I think I need to repost it on this public forum to honestly take action on what I've written...

I can't pinpoint it exactly, but it's somewhere between sleep and waking time that one becomes delirious and irrational. Thoughts I had before slipping into unconsciousness manifest themselves 10 fold in my dreams. The only thing that saves me is the sound of my alarm. I laugh off the petty sneers I was lamenting about to my pillow. I disregard the playfulness, and sometimes cruelty, of my dreams and I get on with my day.

Now, I'm in my dream state hangover, feeling as low as my shoes. Why do we beat ourselves up over the tiniest hint of rejection? Sometimes, and I'm sorry to say- it's usually when I'm on the john, I take a look at my toes and I think how old they've grown. It's not often that I get to look at my toes like this. My marshmallow toes, as Becky used to say. I used to be very fond of my toes, but one comment about them being marshmallow-like and my handsome toes are petrified. If something as simple as a comment about my toes can stay with me...how am I ever going to get past insecurities in other areas of my life? Why am I dragging my past insecurities into simple responses to simple questions? Insecurities that were put there by someone who hasn't the slightest idea of what securities even are!


As I get older, I keep repeating this one phrase to myself- "get over yourself". I need to remember that. I'll start when looking at my toes.

Curiouser and curiouser!

Friday night, Alex, Bryan and I ventured out for a night on the town. First stop, Albright Knox Art Gallery. Having been fooled into thinking parking was free, we vengfully made the most of our $3 fee! Making our way around the first floor, we stumbled upon a room. Through the panes of glass we could see this room held treasures such as grapes, and cheeses and chardonnay! The sign clearly said that this place was for art pick up only and that it closed promptly at 8pm. It being much after 9pm, Alex decided it was still up for grabs. Slowly he leaned on the handle and to our delight the door opened! Bryan and I being cautious, quickly ventured away from the scene of the crime up the hall a bit. Yes, even at 25 I'm a bit of a coward and the fake sense of authority has still got a hold on me. Soon, a pair of hipsters sidled up to the open door. They too disregarded the sign since the door was now open and went in. Bryan and I decided this florage of people made it ok to go in now; best to get in trouble in numbers. Glasses were passed, and still being the coward I am, I downed my full glass of chardonnay. Feeling light headed, we made our way to the remainder of the exhibit. Coming up the stairs, to our DELIGHTFUL surprise, was the best part of the gallery...especially at this mental state in time...a GIANT set of 4 chairs and a table. I forget who said it now, but he said it perfectly, this "Alice and Wonderland moment" made the trip worthwhile. We began knocking on the chairs, running in and out of the legs and hiding behind pillars to catch some of it on camera.

Had it not been for the 2 dollar return in sacagawea's I got from the automatic parking attendant machine, my night at the Albright Knox would have been damn near perfect!

In books, or work, or healthy play,
Let my first years be passed
That I may give for every day
Some good account at last.

My friend Ian has become a big hit in China. He was initially over there to do a show, but also picked up some modeling! Check out these pictures that he's in for a Chinese magazine! His show has been cancelled so he will be returning to the US 5 months earlier than expected....I'm estatic. I've missed him so!

Things that are bugging me today...

I think it’s really strange that we can’t tell what’s wrong with us or explain why we do certain things.

I’ve been having a slight pain in my lower right abdomen for the past couple days, so what do I do? I Google it. Why is it that we can’t have receptors that tell us when something’s wrong like when a light in your car goes off, “oh, looks like I need oil!” Or, how come I still don’t know where anything is located in my body?? “Anything important on this side I should be worried about with a pain there? Any major organs?” I usually get the same response, “uhhhh, aren’t your kidneys in the back?”

Also, the inexplicable behavior….

For instance, I have this general feeling that I really shouldn’t like Ryan Adams. I honestly don’t know where or when this opinion was formed, I just have a feeling. And yet, when he came on my Pandora Radio today, I loved one of his songs. I can’t tell you the amount of cognitive dissonance this caused. And another thing, EVERYDAY, and more than likely it’s every single time I come back to my apt. I check my milk box. Who would be putting things in my milk box? Yet, I insist on checking it because what if one day, someone decided to leave me a special something in my milk box and I never checked it??

Meet Your Shower

I really wanted to get up and see the Leonid's last night. I ended up falling asleep around 10:30pm after an unhealthy freeze pop binge and soon I was dreaming. I had a dream that my friend holly was sleeping on my floor next to my bed. I kept pushing her and saying, "Hol, get up! Don't you want to see the meteor shower?? Get up!!" and then I woke up...it was 5:25am. The shower was supposed to peak from 3:30am to 5:30am. Quickly, I staggered out of bed and put on THE most ridiculous outfit. I knew it would be cold so I wore my fatty pants, slapped on some Cabela hunting socks, 2 sweaters, gloves, a scarf, and a winter hat. I stumbled out onto my apartment complex’s lawn looking towards the sky. I'm not sure if I actually saw things streaking across the sky or if it was my delusional state, either way, I felt satisfied enough to go back inside. Leading to my bedroom I slowly peeled everything away layer by layer and landed gently in my bed. Sleep would not assist me for another hour. I’m more than groggy this morning.

This weekend, I finally had a chance to check out Karpeles Manuscript Museum. The current exhibit is of Arthur Conan Doyle and Houdini and their views on contacting spirits through séances. Most of the scripts in the museum are notes that Doyle took while attending many different séances.

The place itself, to me anyways, held an eerie presence. I walked through the column pillars into the front door that was ajar. Right away a woman in a loud booming voice said, "HELLO...hello...hello...hello" (the latter were the echoes that reverberated from the open space that was before me). I barely whispered a hello and the woman made her way to me.

"Have you ever been here before?" she asked.

"No, someone just told me about it and said I had to come".

"That's how it usually happens" she begrudgingly followed. She gave me a quick rundown of what the exhibit was about; all of which I had read on the website beforehand. I made my way into the lit room where an even bigger space presented itself. She told me it used to be a church. The many rows of pews leading down towards the alter gave it away.

Slowly, I made my way around to each of the lit boxes, each containing a document and summary of what it said. Some of the writing is nearly illegible. The room itself was literally freezing. Having been warm outside all day, I was shocked at such a cold space. I kept sniffling as my nose began to run. Pretty soon I had irritated my nostrils to their fullest extent. With a big inhale, I let out a substantial sneeze. The echo that this sneeze allowed was almost deafening. I looked up as the woman behind the desk literally jumped in her seat and began eyeing me through the glass. That is when I started laughing and couldn't stop. I quickly made my way through the remainder of the exhibit, signed up for the mailing list out of pure embarrassment and got the hell outta there.

Travel Bug

So, yesterday I found out that I will be traveling for 2 weeks for work! I’m extremely excited, 1 because I get to see some friends in a couple cities that I’m going to and 2, because I finally get to meet the doctors! Some of them I’ve been working with over the phone for the last year, so it will be pretty exciting to actually meet them!! I start next week by making a trip to Atlanta, GA and then up to SC. My good friend Jon from high school lives a couple miles from where I’ll be staying in GA we discovered this morning. Needless to say we are both ecstatic since I missed his last trip to Buffalo and I finally get to meet his gf! My next trip I’ll be in IL and then WI. I’m trying to coordinate surfing with a couple that I hosted last month from Chicago. They keep telling me I’d love the city so I’d like to have a day to explore. If I get permission, I can stay in IL for an extra day and take the Amtrak to WI the next day. It’s only an hour train ride away and I'd love to ride the Amtrak again, especially along the coast.

Lady Licorice

This year for Halloween, I was Lord Licorice....or as I referred to myself, Lady Licorice

NERD NIGHT-Nobody's Welcome!

what a weird space last night, and it wasn't just in my head! from exploding kittens who deliver pizza in outerspace to non-sensical ballads from the subconscience... i guess when you enter into the realm of acceptance anything goes. well, it sure went last night! it was lovely though. a MOST enjoyable evening. i could just sit and listen to people do their thaaang for hours. until i get tired or have a headache and then out of tune weirdness is just not cool. i'm starting to feel like one of the gang :)

Battle of the Cork-Jen & Nat's Night Out

we plucked and we pulled
we pinched and we inched
each part of that cork until it was minced

our tongues were so dry
our eyes were hog wild
our hearts were a poundin'
our minds were beguiled

but our squeels and our pleads
did not go uknown
for we popped that sucker
all on our own

Spray Milk...Not Bullets!

A farmer sprays milk on police forces during a protest against falling milk prices outside the European Headquarters in Brussels. Farmers on slow-moving tractors brought traffic in Brussels to a standstill on Monday as EU agriculture ministers discussed their demands for more generous EU support for dairy prices.
(AFP/Georges Gobet)

Source: Yahoo News

Yogasmic

I had one of the best nights of sleep last night in a LONG time. I’m not sure if it was because I was up at 4am or if it was because yoga kicked my ASS yesterday!

My yoga instructor told us that she was going to change up the routine I’ve been doing since January. I must admit, I only go twice a week, I haven’t been practicing at home and sometimes I only make it to one class a week. So when she said that Wednesday’s would now be the advanced yoga class, I knew which day I would NOT be making it to.

To my surprise, yesterday, the routine was COMPLETELY different and a lot harder. I decided, since it was me and a girl who I’ve seen in the class before who is up there with my instructor’s level, that my yogini had opted to do the advanced yoga class since it was only the three of us. I felt surprisingly limber, my balance poses were almost fully extended and I caught myself in the mirror thinking, “wait, is that me?” I was very proud of myself, but also very sore. I had completed my first advanced yoga class and I would only get better from here!

At the end of the session, I remarked on how the routine had really worked me and that I thought I could handle doing the advanced class, again, on Wednesday to which she replied, “oh, no... that was just the new beginners class. The advanced class routine will start on Wednesday. Shit.

Well, we all gotta have goals, right? My goal is to not die in this yoga class. Oh, also I’m making it a point to be able to do this move by, let’s say, January 2010.

The Day I Got Lost

I got lost this weekend....a lot. Not my usual making a loop around the block kind of lost; as in hours of getting lost. Between finding our way to a specific spot in Zoar Valley and getting my chicago surfers around downtown and to the airport at 4am on time this morning, I think I managed well. Aka- I didn't cry once!!

It started with hiking in Zoar with two Buffalo surfers. Although they live here, they are not too keen on the surrounding area having moved here from out of state...great. When we finally found the place we were directed to park on the side of the road and merely walk in. I specifically remembered a parking area with a map and marked trails from last year, but the old woman at the veggie stand told me I must be mistaken. So, into the muckiest depths of Zoar we traveled. Again and again we were forced to build ourselves little bridges out of pieces of log and big stones to cross the tiny creek. I was positive that if we kept going against the current, we would arrive where the two rivers meet...we must just be at one of the ends. Our socks got wet, our pants got wet, our asses were covered in mud. All of us took our tumbles and because of the ridiculousness of the entire situation, I laughed. I couldn't stop laughing! It was good to feel that.

A friendly call jogged my memory of a road we had passed earlier in the day on our many trips up and down point peter road! Though it was marked as a dead end, we tried our luck. There, as it had been all along, was the spot I had been looking for. Joy overtook me!! Looking at the map at the foot of the trail, we saw that we were actually hiking in some sort of water plant shoot-off, haha. Our shifty earth was replaced with much less mucky trails, littered with pretty fall leaves! Still, this easy passage didn't compare to the fun we had battling for the sake of dry asses! Reaching the point where the two rivers meet was well worth our struggle. There I gave up and childishly jumped in the water. We skipped stones and forgot about where we had come from for a second.

I've decided, sometimes, I just enjoy getting lost.

Me, Chris, Sarah (Ryan's Fiance), Ryan, Billy

Every summer growing up, my family would make weekend treks to our cottage in Long Beach, Canada. I have many fond memories of visiting that place for over 20 years, one being the annual Whitmore Chowder making day! We would get up very early to start chopping, peeling, and readying the vegetables for the chowder. It would take, what seemed like, an entire day to make. Everyone got their turn in stirring, but it was mostly a male bonding experience while all of us women folk prepared snackage and cracked the beers for the long haul. Still, I have photo's from year after year me stirring the pot and helping out with the family chowder. Yet, families change when people grow up, people move, people pass. Our cottage was sold in 2004 and family gatherings slowed to those of birthdays, holidays, and occassional dinners. And so, it has been a couple years since I've participated in the family chowder making experience until this weekend! My brother's (now two of them engaged) decided to continue the family tradition. We reminisced of how things used to be, cracked the beers, ate some snackage and made over 50 Quarts of chowder to last us throughout the winter!

Bringing it back....

I've recently stumbled upon old poems, about 2 years or more at this point. I'm looking into creating a book out of this one:

Crazy-Bearded Man

a crazy-bearded man took the train into my town
he carried lots of baggage that only slowed him down
i tried to lift a finger to relieve him of his lot
but he only growled and shrank into his lonely spot

he kicked off both his boots and settled in recline
that thirsty crazy-bearded man, drank up all my wine
he ate my avocados like they were goin' out of style
and made himself some plans to stay with me awhile

i took him to the theater to see a silent run
he stretched his legs and bent his brains until he came undone
he snored so loud the organ player couldn't stay in key
that snoozing crazy-bearded man, I nudged him 1, 2, 3

he came back to my humble home where exactly on the hour
that strippin' crazy-bearded man serenaded in the shower
his notes were low and thick and made a horrid rumble sound
that shook my pictures from the wall and knocked them to the ground

I could not take it anymore so I sent him on his way
But that lonely crazy-bearded man tried his best to stay
He cleaned up all my dishes and cooked to please a king
he gave me sweet massages that I'd been hankering
he cried tears on my pillow and blubbered out to me
this crazy-bearded man was nothin' but a loveless boy in need

©Jen Whit 2008

The Beginning

and so, after months of resistance...I decided to start a blog. I feel like there is no place to put my creative writings anymore since myspace became the trashmans paradise. Will I keep up with this blog? Let's hope, as in, let's hope life doesn't become so mundane that I'll have to forgo my blog all together. Let's hope that my creative juices don't fail, but thrive in this new virtual environment.