Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Tomorrow

the end of today

the end of the year

the end of loves
the end of loves lost

the end of grieving for people, passion, and poetry

the end of burying my head in the sand

the end of pretending

the beginning of something fresh, like vegetables and water

the beginning of developing relationship capabilities

the beginning of doing what I feel
the beginning of really feeling what I’m doing

the beginning of a new, more improved me consisting of:

reflection

caution
-less?

Development

Symmetry

Warmth

Thought

The ability to dive head first, no whammies, and being ready for the consequences

to not succumb to macbeths soliloquy, to control my bouts of apathy and to fully personify the notion that i am living.

i am REALLY living.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

What’s been entertaining me…down time chronicles:

Books: I finished “Taking Woodstock”. It was a short read, though it took me a while to get through like most books since I simply do not have the time. Having already seen the movie, I was hoping to relive some of those moments in written form and get the full details. Unfortunately, the book is highly centralized on the sexuality of the main character, something that is only hinted at in the movie itself. So, while I was disappointed that my favorite parts in the movie didn’t happen exactly as I thought they had, or some at all for that matter, it was an enjoyable read just because it was different. I want to re-watch the movie now that I have all this background.

Movies: I had been told by a friend that I would thoroughly enjoy “Let the Right One In”, a Swedish film about a 12 yr. old vampire and her human boyfriend. The first time I watched it, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how to turn off the hokey English dubbing! It made the movie, while visually interesting, very slapstick and hard to watch. The next morning, I realized what my mistake had been all along; I thought the movie was in German so I didn’t choose the Swedish option on the language setting. THERE! It worked! I’ve watched it several times since then and it only gets better. Very intense, very freaky, very heartfelt. While it’s nothing like my other vampire movies, it’s very interesting by itself. Highly recommended.

T.V.: As you know, I don’t have this. However, my boss just purchased me True Blood for Christmas. She insisted that I watch it because she knows I like Alan Ball (ie; 6 Feet Under). I started watching it last night and couldn’t stop. While the main character Sookie annoys me to no end, Bill is a treat in himself! I like watching it and pretending that one day a man such as he will come “call on me” as well. He’s such a gentleman and a breath of fresh air. The only thing I don’t like about this series is probably Tara and her mother’s relationship because I know it only too well and it brings up bad memories for me, but at the same time I want to tell them, well done! They got the mothers disease down pat! And while it is extremely racey….I could barely take some scenes…the show over all had me wanting more at the end of each episode. The cliff hangers just keep getting better! I ended up having to stop an episode half way through just so I could get some sleep!

Dream State- Revisited

This is an old written piece that I came across. I think I need to repost it on this public forum to honestly take action on what I've written...

I can't pinpoint it exactly, but it's somewhere between sleep and waking time that one becomes delirious and irrational. Thoughts I had before slipping into unconsciousness manifest themselves 10 fold in my dreams. The only thing that saves me is the sound of my alarm. I laugh off the petty sneers I was lamenting about to my pillow. I disregard the playfulness, and sometimes cruelty, of my dreams and I get on with my day.

Now, I'm in my dream state hangover, feeling as low as my shoes. Why do we beat ourselves up over the tiniest hint of rejection? Sometimes, and I'm sorry to say- it's usually when I'm on the john, I take a look at my toes and I think how old they've grown. It's not often that I get to look at my toes like this. My marshmallow toes, as Becky used to say. I used to be very fond of my toes, but one comment about them being marshmallow-like and my handsome toes are petrified. If something as simple as a comment about my toes can stay with me...how am I ever going to get past insecurities in other areas of my life? Why am I dragging my past insecurities into simple responses to simple questions? Insecurities that were put there by someone who hasn't the slightest idea of what securities even are!


As I get older, I keep repeating this one phrase to myself- "get over yourself". I need to remember that. I'll start when looking at my toes.